The best of The Simpsons

Over the summer, right before the release of the movie, Vanity Fair published an article listing what they considered the 10 best Simpsons episodes. I'm not sure I agree with all of their choices, so I've compiled my own list of best episodes. I know I'm gonna catch hell for leaving certain episodes out, but let me tell ya—choosing this list was no easy task!!! Particularly since I have more than 400 episodes to choose from, and so many of them are fabulous. So I upped the ante slightly to the 15 best episodes!

So without further ado . . .

15. Bart the General: This is one of the earliest episodes of The Simpsons, trailing all the way back to the first season. It's quite a shocker hearing Homer's original, much smarter voice (apparently Dan Castellaneta originally conceived the character in the vein of Walter Matthau), but this episode features the first appearances of Grandpa Simpson, who isn't quite as over-the-hill as he becomes in later seasons, as well as the school bully, Nelson Muntz. In fact, Nelson is the focal point of this episode, because after getting beat up by Nelson for the umpteenth time, Bart finally draws the line and forms an army to fight Nelson. This episode largely parodies Patton and Full Metal Jacket, but it features some very mature writing and lays the groundwork for several of the characters that follow in the years to come.

Best line: "You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. . . . Thank heaven for children!" (Grandpa Simpson)

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14. Homer at the Bat: This is another entry from the early days of The Simpsons, where Mr. Burns makes an unfriendly wager that his power plant's softball team would beat a competing plant's team. To ensure said victory, Mr. Burns sends Smithers up to the big leagues and kidnaps recruits several early '90s Major League Baseball stars to play on his team—such as Ken Griffey, Jr., Wade Boggs, Steve Sax, Don Mattingly, Ozzie Smith, and Jose Canseco (long before he decided to write a certain book). Somehow Homer ends up on the team, but is firmly relegated to the bench . . . but when various tragedies befall Springfield's newest superstars, Homer may become the team's unexpected savior!

Best line: "I still like him better than Steinbrenner." (Don Mattingly, referring to Mr. Burns after he kicks Mattingly off the team for not trimming his "sideburns")

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13. Homer the Great: This episode has two great things going for it—the first is the most catchy Simpsons tune ever created (the Stonecutters' Song), and the second is Patrick Stewart starring in the perfect guest spot. For in this episode, Homer gets a taste of greatness after being initiated into Springfield's secret and elusive society—the Stonecutters (courtesy of his stalking Lenny and Carl to one of their meetings, then conning his way in because his father's already a member). After reveling in the benefits of a member (vibrating chairs at work, secret entrances to the best parking spots at the power plant, and learning the real emergency number—912), he is then nearly kicked out of the Stonecutters for desecrating the sacred parchment. But after attaching the Stone of Shame to Homer, the society members discover Homer's birthmark . . . which happens to perfectly match the symbol of the Stonecutters' "chosen one"! The question now is, will Homer lead the Stonecutters to glory, or will he take the club down from the inside?

Best line: "Now let's all get drunk and play pingpong!" (#1, following a very formal introductory speech at the Stonecutters' first meeting)

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12. Treehouse of Horror VII: This Halloween episode features one of the best political satires The Simpsons ever put out—"Citizen Kang," focusing on the 1996 presidential election, where space alien regulars Kang and Kodos impersonate candidates Bill Clinton and Bob Dole. "The Thing and I" has Bart's Siamese twin Hugo living in the attic and yearning to surgically reattach himself to Bart. And in "The Genesis Tube", Lisa accidentally creates life in a scientific experiment gone haywire, where her tiny inhabitants think she is God and Bart is the devil.

Best line: "The politics of failure have failed! We need to make them work again." (Kang in the form of Bob Dole, from the "Citizen Kang" clip)

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11. Homer's Enemy: "The Odd Couple" meets the Simpson family in this episode, as Mr. Burns is intrigued by self-made man Frank Grimes and brings him on board to be his executive vice president—until he sees a heroic dog on TV, who ends up becoming executive vice president instead. As such, newcomer Frank Grimes is assigned to Homer's sector . . . and the two men mesh like oil and water, as Frank Grimes is a determined, self-made man who takes his job seriously, whereas Homer represents the very definition of "sloth." Their awkward relationship is the comedic focal point of this episode, as Frank Grimes is utterly undone by Homer's buffoonery. His rage finally comes to the boiling point when he comes to understand that an idiot like Homer is more rewarded and more respected than a self-made man who's had to fight for everything in his life. Vanity Fair actually labelled this episode as the darkest, and I'm inclined to agree with that.

Best line: "During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear—and feel pain again." (Kent Brockman in Frank Grimes's exposé)

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10. The Joy of Sect: While on a visit to the mall, Bart and Homer stumble upon the Movementarians, who promise to take everyone who joins their cult away to the planet Blisstonia, where everyone will live in a state of perpetual bliss under their perfect "leader." Homer proves to be impervious to their brainwashing, though, courtesy of his short attention span, but finally cracks when the Movementarians discover how to communicate with Homer on his level. One of my favorite moments from this episode is actually provided by Hans Moleman, who has a very brief but priceless cameo at the "Just Crichton and King Bookstore".

Best line: "Homer no function beer well without." (Homer)

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9. The Springfield Connection: After a surge of adrenaline causes Marge to overpower Snake when he tries to mug her, Marge feels the calling to join the Springfield Police Force. Naturally, she must fight for credibility on the streets . . . and in her own family, because impulsive Homer doesn't hesitate to abuse the privileges of Marge's position. My favorite segment is when he directly challenges her authority as a police officer in public, and she's forced to arrest him for resisting arrest, planning to purchase alcohol for Jimbo and his crew, and doing the world's worst park job in front of the Kwik-E-Mart. (Hans Moleman's "execution" is another priceless moment, too.)

Best line: "When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting like that movie—Spaceballs! But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy." (Homer)

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8. The Cartridge Family: After a soccer riot spills into the streets of Springfield, essentially plunging the town into chaos, Homer decides to protect his family in a new fashion: he buys a gun. Marge is naturally horrified at said purchase, especially after Homer "surprises" her with it. It doesn't help matters either that Homer's enthusiasm for his new firearm totally shoots down (pun intended) any notions of safety—like opening a beer by shooting open the can, or turning on the TV by shooting at the set. So Marge, fearing for their family's safety, gives Homer an ultimatum: the gun or his family. (Take a wild guess which he chooses.)

Best line: "Center passes to the halfback, back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it . . . holds it . . . holds it . . ." (a deadpan Kent Brockman, only to have his sentiments echoed by the far more impassioned Hispanic radio announcer next door)

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7. 22 Short Films About Springfield: This episode makes perfect sense when you think about it. Because with over 400 episodes in The Simpsons' library, there are literally tons of background characters that don't get a lot of screen time or character development. Thus, this episode takes a few moments and gives them all moments to shine in individual, 4-minute vignettes: such as Doctor Nick Riviera in an ER-like scene where he diagnoses Grandpa Simpson with skin failure; Bumblebee Man returning home from work only to trip and flail around the house, much like he would on the "Krusty the Clown Show"; Milhouse, his father, Chief Wiggum, and Snake essentially re-enacting Pulp Fiction's "Bring out the gimp" scene; and Principal Skinner cooking Superintendent Chalmers Krusty Burgers "Steamed Hams" for dinner.

Best line: "That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. It is worth $150." (Comic Book Guy)

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6. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Doh!-cious: If Walt Disney were alive today, I'm sure he'd be preparing the legal team from hell—minus Lionel Hutz, of course—for this episode literally screams, "Mary Poppins!" That's not a bad thing, mind you! Because in this episode, Marge and Homer decide to hire a nanny after Marge begins losing her hair from too much stress. (Imagine that—the Simpson family causing anyone stress!) Though the more they look for a nanny, the less optimistic they become about finding a suitable one . . . until one literally descends from the sky, holding onto a magical umbrella and dressed in Victorian attire. Introducing herself as Sherry Bobbins, she quickly reforms the entire family . . . but as it turns out, even she has her limits.

Best line: "Sherry Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country . . . then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!" (Groundskeeper Willie)

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5. The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson: In this episode, Barney inadvertently gets appointed the designated driver one night at Moe's, and in retribution, steals Homer's car. Two months later, Barney returns to Springfield—but without Homer's car. Not long after, though, Homer receives a letter from the city of New York saying that his car is illegally parked at the World Trade Center (this episode aired around 1997), would he please come and move it or it will be thrown into the East River. Suffice it to say, the Simpson family ventures to the Big Apple . . . but everyone is enthusiastic except Homer, who has bad memories of New York from his youth. Watching Homer try to retrieve his car from the World Trade Center is the gem of this episode, for he runs into obstacle after obstacle. And his desperate search for a restroom in the two towers is just priceless. (On another note, when Homer is dialing into the parking hotline, he's told to wait for Parking Officer Steve Grabowski. I actually once worked with someone named Steve Grabowski! Though he wasn't a police officer.)

Best line: "Ohhhhh, why did I drink all that crab juice!" (Homer)

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4. Behind the Laughter: Here, The Simpsons are profiled in a behind-the-scenes E!-type exposé. This episode aired right as the show started to make its turning point in style (wherein I felt it lost much of its charm and draw), but this episode nevertheless is very original in its conception! It treats the Simpson family like an actual Hollywood family, tracing its fairy-tale rise and tragic downfall. Quite an innovative take on the Simpson family!!!

Best line: "Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up!" (Homer)

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3. Burns, Baby Burns: While on a train trip home from the Yale-Harvard game, a novelty salesman named Larry (voiced by none other than Rodney Dangerfield!) spots Mr. Burns—and recognizes him as his long-lost father! Somehow Larry makes his way to Springfield by hitching a ride with the Simpson family, and wouldn't you know it—Larry and Homer click like two peas in a pod, all on account of their mutual laziness. But when Mr. Burns and Larry meet, father and son don't necessarily see eye to eye, at least in terms of class and social etiquette. Larry's turn at the Burns party allows Rodney Dangerfield to showcase his witticism in a wonderful send-up to Back to School.

Best line: "Let me put it this way: he spelled 'Yale' with a six." (Yale recruiter on Larry Burns' test scores) (It was hard choosing this line, for the record, given the great many fabulous lines by Rodney Dangerfield in this episode. But if I were to choose Rodney Dangerfield's best line, it would be, "I don't get no regard, no regard at all. No esteem, either!")

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2. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (which I think translates into "Homer's Mystical Journey"): Despite how much I enjoy it, this episode must be jinxed for me, because every time I watch it, I never get to watch it all the way through. I only get to watch it in fits and starts. But anyway, Springfield's annual chili cookoff is in full-swing, and Homer, the self-proclaimed chili king, consumes several of Chief Wiggum's Guatemalan insanity peppers—which send Homer on a hallucinogenic joyride that ultimately turns into a spiritual quest, as Homer encounters his spirit guide in the form of a coyote (voiced by the man in black himself, Johnny Cash) who instructs Homer to find his soulmate . . . who may or may not be Marge.

Best line: It's actually a tie between "Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it!" (Homer) and "Eight spices? Hmm, some of them must be doubles." (Marge)

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And the #1 episode in my book is . . . Who Shot Mr. Burns? This was a huge event when it came out in 1995, particularly since season-ending cliffhangers were all the rage at the time. But for the three or four people who haven't seen this episode, Mr. Burns builds a sun-blocking apparatus and leaves Springfield in a state of perpetual twilight, thus ensuring an unending influx of electricity revenue for himself. This comes on the heels of his stealing the oil well from the local elementary school, and when taken as a whole, it's enough to drive everyone in Springfield to the point of murder. But the question is . . . with everyone in town a suspect, who's the real killer?

Best line (and spoiler warning!!!): Another tie, between "I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And, uh, wound that Mr. Smithers!" (Groundskeeper Willie) and "No jury in the world is going to convict a baby! . . . Maybe Texas." (Chief Wiggum)